Sometimes silence can feel like the loudest thing. It truly hasn’t been that long since I’ve written a blog post but to me, it feels like forever. I am only breaking the silence to myself on this since I know I’m the only one who sets expectations. The majority of content on here is design related and while that’s primarily what I plan on continuing to talk about, I feel the need to be transparent about my own mental health as of late, which has been quite rubbish. This year has felt like a series of unfortunate events and with every circumstance, I continue to get back up and keep going but wow, I’m tired and honestly, a bit bruised.

One of the things that has been weighing me down is our housing search. We’ve been looking for a house for about 7 months now. We’ve been under contract twice (both times we had to terminate the contracts because of awful discoveries during inspections) and two weeks ago we put an offer in on a house that was pretty close to a dream home, and did not get it. It’s completely crushed me and broken my heart into pieces. We’ve moved out of the house we were living and are now living in the guest room at my father-in-law’s house. While I can’t complain about not paying rent, an ocean view, and having the most generous and loving family, it’s still been an uphill battle. The contents of our life are packed away in boxes, I haven’t baked anything in a month, and I just don’t feel like myself. Here’s where the title of this post comes in to play – it feels like my life is on pause until we buy a house. I’m aware it’s not true but it certainly feels that way to me. I’m living with 1/4 of my clothes and dreaming of the other side of this situation. The good news is that with every passing day, I have to find a silver lining or I’ll lose my mind. Here are the things that I’m doing to keep myself from going bonkers:

1. Planning/shopping for the house we don’t have yet. One of the things that I always wanted to update was our plates, bowls, and silverware. Today, I finally put in a big order of new bowls and plates and even though we don’t know how long they’ll sit in the delivery box – the day we get to open them and put them in a kitchen that’s ours will be worth the wait (and it will feel like Christmas). I’ve given myself complete permission to buy what I hope to have some day.
2. Thrifting. I walked into Goodwill the other day and found the MOST incredible lamp. Thrifting is probably my favorite hobby of all time. It brings me complete joy when I’m successful.
3. Taking mental breaks. At the end of August I was so fortunate to be able to spend a little over a week at my aunt and uncle’s house on and island here in Maine. It’s my happy place – I’ve been going there since I was little but haven’t been in a long time since we’ve been away from New England. I took time off from work and walked the beach about 4 times a day. I came home with so much seaglass that I now have to start brainstorming what to do with my giant collection.
4. Reading. I just finished the strangest book but it was enticing enough to get me to finish it which is saying something. Right now my bedside table has stack of 6 books waiting to be read. I exclusively read murder mysteries. I used to be able to read other genres but now I know what I like and I’m stuck on it.
5. Focusing on food. We’ve had our wonderful CSA all summer and it’s been one of the best things we’ve ever done. We just signed up for a winter CSA as well. One of my favorite things about growing up in Maine and now living back here is the abundance of organic eats. My body knows the difference.
6. Upgrading staple closet items. I always look for an excuse to shop and recently I’ve been narrowing in on upgrading daily essentials. I now officially have every color of this amazing tank top and just got these sweet little pearl earrings in the mail today.
7. Paying off debts. I’ve unfortunately landed in the emergency room twice in the last year and had to do many a follow up so I ran up a bit of a bill that needed to be addressed. Also student loan payments are coming back and it’s time to pay off my attempt at a masters degree (no regrets at trying something that wasn’t for me but financially, regrets).
8. Cleaning. My father-in-law is a pilot so he’s home and then away pretty regularly. While he’s been gone, Oliver and I have been taking on some projects at his house including painting his kitchen, and deep cleaning. I always find projects like that to be incredibly rewarding and also just a great way to zone out.
9. Dreaming. Maybe it’s a given but with every bad house we see, my creativity is challenged and I get to keep dreaming about things I would change, upgrade, and design differently. Since I’m unable to actually make changes on a house of our own right now, I am enjoying imagining what it will be like and what I can’t wait to get my hands on.
10. Finding comforting playlists. I’m surprised that my spotify unwrapped hasn’t been entirely jazz music because that’s primarily what I’ve been listening to for the last few years. I recently discovered this playlist that sounds like what a Nancy Meyers movie looks and feels like.
11. Dating. Oliver and I have been setting aside more time to go on dates even if they’re just to have a drink on a picnic blanket. It always matters to set aside quality time.
12. Self care. I had a pedicure, a manicure, and I have a hair appointment on Wednesday. Self care is bliss.
13. Tying up loose ends. I had a roll of film from our camera just waiting to be brought in to get developed and I finally took it in (if you’re in Maine and looking to get your film developed, we go to Hunt’s in South Portland). Tying up loose ends feels really satisfying, plus getting photos back when you have no idea what’s on the roll is magical.

When I was walking the beach in August, I was mulling over why it always feels like things aren’t working out the way I planned, the ocean reminded me that if you look for reasons to be unhappy, you’ll easily find them. I always find clarity when my feet are in the sand and the waves are free to speak their mind.

A few of my favorite film photos: